The Top Ten Places to Have Sex at Carleton College
by Chuk Kittredge
With Valentine's Day approaching, some of our randier couples here at Carleton are looking around for interesting places to get down and get dirty. Not to mention those drunken sots who find themselves in the throes of passion in some really weird place on Sunday night. Following a lengthy brainstorming session where ideas were tossed around like a pair of smelly undies, students were asked to name the ideal love-nest on our fair campus. The results speak for themselves.
- On the Crane - 33 votes
Our favorite spot, this one is especially attractive- perhaps because of the phallic mass of steel sprouting from the virgin soil outside Myers, its gleaming length erect in the morning air...but I digress. Personally, I wouldn't want to have to break through chain-link fence just to get my shwerve on. And granted, that has got to be some damned cold sex... - In the Radio Station (preferably while on the air) - 20 votes
For the aural exhibitionists among us, this one is a pretty cush spot. With mood lighting, nice low tables, and pleasing background music for your prime-time dorking pleasure, the radio station makes a great place for your V-Day boff. Plus, the rest of the campus gets to hear your grunts and moans... - On the Conveyor Belt in the Dishroom - 19 votes
For those who prefer what is known as 'sloppy sex'. I find the thought of copulating on wet plastic stained by beef stroganoff and tartar sauce vaguely repulsive, but so it goes. Just remember to watch out for those moving treads- those things can leave a hell of a mark. - On the Altar in the Chapel - 16 votes
For the sacrilegious among us. While this would most definitely be uncomfortable, perhaps there is something to be said for sowing your wild oats on top of the Good Book. Seriously, who doesn't love a little Bible-thumpin'? Now how the chaplain would feel about this? That's another story... - On the Pool Table in Sayles - 15 votes
You can't help but notice all the phallocentric imagery associated with pool. It shouts 'coitus' at you. This one would be especially hard for you to pull off, given Sayles's social culture (not to mention the fact that you're right across from Security). But the waist-high tables are perfect for...well, most anything, really... - On the Front Lawn of the President's House - 14 votes
Maybe its because the grass is greener there. Maybe its because its public. Maybe its because you can go to Skeech's office hours and chortle merrily to yourself as he extemporizes about civic duty or some such. But whatever the reason, this one certainly has a naughty appeal to it... - In the Tunnels - 13 votes
For the lawbreakers among us. It would be quite hard to set this one up. Because no one knows how to get into the tunnels. No one knows what they are. In fact, no one even knows they exist. While this would be a dirty, sulfurous-smelling shag, I suppose the location alone would be enough to make up for having rodents nibble at your ankles as your partner nibbles elsewhere... - At SUMO - 12 votes
Yeah. Enough said. - The Study Carrels in the Libe - 11 votes
For the contortionists among us. It's hard enough to write in those little swastika cells, but doin' the nasty? Props to anyone with the ballet skill (or whatever it takes) to pull that off. Just make sure you have a spill-proof container handy... - On the Counter of the Snack Bar - 10 votes
Dat's gross. I mean, c'mon, I got a tuna melt from there the other day. You people are sick. Although I can understand the appeal of having a fully stocked condiment rack nearby while making the beast with two backs...
So enjoy this Valentine's Day. Challenge yourselves to get it on in the oddest place imaginable. The above locations are merely hints, and of course indicate no prior sexual experience in any of those places. Well, maybe the crane, but not the rest of them.